The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child: Helping Your Child Thrive in an Extroverted World by Laney Marti Olsen

Author:Laney, Marti Olsen [Laney, Marti Olsen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Workman Publishing Company
Published: 2005-12-01T00:00:00+00:00

Adult Anchors

“The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.” —Alexandra Penney

A well-functioning family, like a well-planned garden, should conform to a few basic design principles. One is that every garden has an anchor—a focal point that establishes harmony between all the various elements. Family relationships follow similar psychological design rules. Countless studies have shown that the parents’ relationship functions as an anchor for the family, lending stability.

The strength of the parents’ bond is the foundation for building all other family relationships. Children learn about compatibility, caring behaviors, mutual respect, and problem solving from the examples their parents have set. Families today come in many configurations, but one fact holds true. It isn’t who they are, it’s how parents treat each other that sets the stage for what their children learn about relating. All relationships have differences. It is the way those differences are handled that teaches children how to value family.

Keep your adult relationship well nourished by planning date nights and child-free weekends and by going out with other couples. Appreciate small moments you share together—remarking on a cute thing your child does, telling a joke you heard at work, or simply enjoying the fleeting moments when you are actually alone. Remember that in long-term relationships we like each other better on some days than on others. Handling disagreements with respect, humor, and openness is vital to a relationship. And you don’t have to remove yourselves from the rest of the family in order to do it. Negotiating differences provides a great example for your children to learn from. Innies are often wary of conflict. It helps them feel safe to see that their parents can handle some friction and still enjoy each other’s company.

A solid partnership creates a sturdy but flexible bridge that can span temperament differences. There’s room for all family variations. You and your partner will represent different points on the temperament continuum; even if you’re both innies or outies, you have different salient aspects to your personalities. Your introverted child, perhaps more than your other kids, will notice how you and your partner behave. Innies watch how their parents act around each other, and they notice subtle social cues. They will internalize the relational skills they observe in the family. Later, they can pack them up and take them along with them to use in their own social lives. It’s a great gift you can give them.

A Special Family Issue: Adoption

Nothing reveals more about the power of genetics than adoption. Children who are adopted often have different temperaments from those in their new family. For this reason, it’s important to pay special attention to your adopted child’s traits. Interestingly, it’s often easier for adoptive parents to appreciate different temperaments. Biological parents of introverted children may feel shame or guilt about their children’s inward nature. Adoptive parents usually don’t feel responsible for temperament. One extroverted mom I worked with said to me, “If Dan had been my biological child I would have

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